She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
