dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
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