I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
