My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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