oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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