I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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