So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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