May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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