please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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