Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
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