he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I love you.
Bad choice
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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