Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
