Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
