you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
