I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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