You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
