You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
