In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
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