K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Randomize
