broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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