wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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