I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
