Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
