Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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