I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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