I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
