I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Randomize
