his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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