So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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