You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
