maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
