I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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