you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
