DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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