i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
