I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
