in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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