so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
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