can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
