just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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