im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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