it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
