So drunk its hurt
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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