I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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