we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
