I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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