The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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