I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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