I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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