I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
