You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
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