just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
