Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
